After graduating from high school and going through a series of very sad and challenging events in life, I fell into a rut and the cushion at the bottom; food. I started doing what many people across the world do when life has got you down, eating my feelings. Sitting around just thinking about it all isn't help much either. To make things worse, all of this happened on top of a pre-exsisting, very deep self-esteem issue that I have had since grade school.
In the fall of my senior year in high school, I weighed a heavy 180 pounds. Being that I am one fourth of an inch from being 5'7" it wasn't horrible weighing that much but I was still big. I was wearing an extra large t-shirt and size 17 pants from the junior department. As the year went on the ever so famous prom was approaching. Man did I dread prom. I didn't want to go and I knew I wouldn't be asked to be anyone's date. But my friends talked me into it. So while out dress shopping with my friends, one of them walks over to the rack and finds a dress. It was the only one of that kind in the whole store, so if it didn't fit she was out of luck. She takes it and walks into the dressing room and comes out about 5 minutes later with a huge smile on her face. "It fits!" she shouts. I have never been able to do that and at that moment in time my mind-set about my self image took a dive to a point lower than it ever had been before.
A week later me and my mother went shopping for my dress, because quite obviously I hadn't found one a week ago when I went with my friends. We tried five stores until finally ending up at David's Bridal. The store where they have 10 dress styles in 10 colors and in every size. I was so depressed about dress shopping at that point, I walked into the store and said to myself "I don't care what it looks like just as long as it fits." I found 3 in my size, which at that time as a size 22 dress. Big was an understatement. One fit but was too short, it showed my back rolls and cottage cheese thighs. Mind you, I am 17 and rolls and "cottage cheese" are things im having issues with. The last of the three dresses fit, didn't show anything, and was cheap. We were good to go.
Fast forward to prom night. I put my dress on blow dried my hair and left. No makeup, no fancy hair-do, nothing. That's just how interested in going I was. I drive myself to my friend's grandmother's house where all us girls were going to meet. Did I mention that my friends are skinny? We'll they come walking in and their dresses are georgous and i'm wearing what I think looks like a big red garbage bag. What a confidence booster that was. We did the picture thing and left. We got there, ate dinner, and I sat at the table and watched everyone dance. Yay.
Graduation came really fast and me and one of my friends out of the six of us were the only ones not going to college. But she had a boyfriend and a big family so her life was busy. Especially because of all the stupid high school drama, we grew apart so it's not like we were hanging out everyday anyways. Me, I had my friends until the end of summer and then I was all alone. Now begins the "eating my feelings" part. I got really depressed over the summer realizing that I had no social life and had no clue about how to make friends. The day I graduated I weighed 210 pounds. And growing...
My eating habits got worse over the summer and by my 18th birthday in october I weighed a whopping 225 pounds. And now I startedto have way more issues with finding clothes and feeling good in m own skin, not that it was ever easy for me but it was never this hard. My worse habits continued. Now I was working full time in a stressful job and buying my lunch almost everyday. I would have days where I would be so down, I would go to Dunkin Donuts and order two bagels and a breakfast sandwich. And eat them. I work with two younger guys that are gym junkies so they're both buff and eat healthy and drink their shakes and look great. Seeing them made me feel worse about myself. I dug my hole even deeper.
Now a year after graduation I am laying in bed after waking up at 11am on a saturday. As I am flicking through the channels, i come across the infomercial for the P90X workout program. Soout of curiosity, I go to my bathroom and weigh myself. Today, July 17th 2010 I weigh 236 pounds. What a wake up call. So today I decided I will finally crack down on my weight issue. No more yo-yo dieting and exercising. I'm serious this time. My goal is to lose 90 pounds and I WILL DO IT.
So for anyone that stumbles across this blog, stay tuned for the progress in this venture toward a goal that will be achieved. I have a tendancy to lose sight of my long term goals so to stay on track I will set a date to achieve this goal by. One year from today I will be 90 pounds lighter, even if it kills me...
